I Wish My Scale Were Broken.

I wish my scale wouldn't be so darn truthful!

I know it's been a while since I've been on here. We had a busy spell in our lives these last few weeks. I direct a large kid's choir at church and we are starting up our fall semester in about 10 days. That means lots of planning, panic attacks, memorizing, planning, scheduling, emailing, panic attacks, and yet more planning.

My job schedule is also shifting through a week of vacation for my babysitter (giving me a week of catch up which ended up being more busy than productive) and then a full job schedule shift starting next week. Oh and a trip to see my parents in a few weeks. Basically CRAZYNESS!!!!

So how has dieting gone? Well...pretty non-existant. I'm still trying to be concious, but losing most battles. Over the past week I have managed to gain and then lose 1.5 pounds putting me back to where I was at last post. Not exactly progress and still very discouraged over what I gained. Still in that mode where you look in the mirror and see your extra fat self, not the true reflection.

The thing is, this busyness is a reality in my life. Sure, I'll have down time, but this is pretty much going to be my life. I work four jobs, have a husband, do the majority of our housework, have a baby and plan on having more soon. My life is a constantly shifting schedule of busyness.

So rather than try to keep doing what I was doing through the changes, I think I need to start thinking about a way to mold my diet around my life. Again, this is a realistic diet. I need it to work in my busy reality. Right now, I don't have any answers. I'll just keep thinking and praying.

For now I'd give myself a

3

not so much because I'm succeeding, but at least I keep on trying. I'm not going to give up.

Fail!

I hate to decide the success of the week on one day, but I think this week it's really true.

I had a pretty successful week. I was watching my scale slowly count down towards the next pound. xxx.3, xxx.2, xxx.1, xxx.0...just a 10th of a point away from 7 pounds lost!

Then I got hit below the belt (see previous post). I had a bad night. On top of it, the reason I was upset was directly related to how I thought someone felt about my body and looks. What did I do? Oh, I splurged. Not terribly, but enough. I ate what I wanted and filled that hole right up! Not with sweets (I'm not that type of over eater) just with pizza and a second dinner of cereal. Lots of both.

Guess what happened? I gained almost a pound. Sigh. All of that progress and success gone in one night!

Out of pure anger over my hugely lost battle this weekend and letting myself get too caught up in what my scale thought of me, I am giving myself a big super fat

3

for the week. Let's hope this week is better!

Affirmation Feels Good...But It Sure Doesn't Last!

I have had some good successes lately. I am 6 pounds lighter, I felt pretty good the last time I was in a dressing room, I feel pretty for the first time in months, and I've been feeling like my friends and husband have noticed as well.

I've been on a loser's high. I feel like people view me differently. I feel more confident. I feel like some problems I have had in my marriage and life were getting fixed just by those little changes. In fact, I started believing that my small weight change and few extra clothes in my closet had solved a lot of my problems. Everything was wonderful and rosy again.

So it was a shock on many levels when the same old problems smacked me in the face last night. I knew that some issues in my life were not actually attributed to my weight gain. Yet, in that moment I realized I had started believing that terrible whisper in my head and thinking that since my body was changing, my life would follow suit.

I was putting my trust in weight loss to fix my problems.

The thing about a diet is that it really only fixes one problem...what the scale says. How many people have you seen get down to a model thin weight and still not be happy with themselves? What about the ones who were fat and dysfunctional that just become skinny and more dysfunctional?

I think this was a good reality check. Sure, feeling prettier is great! However, the scale isn't really what changed my looks. One pound is hardly visible. It was how I felt about myself.

I'd best not hinge how I feel about myself on my scale's judgement. I'd best not expect my marriage to be all new once I feel prettier. I'd best not trust in my self-discipline to sustain me through this process. I'd best not get caught up in how my body looks compared to the desired norm. I'd best not look to my loved ones for affirmation.

I think I'd better just trust God...period.

Keep On Keeping On!

Our scale gives the poundage to the first decimal. For instance 113.2 pounds (definitely not a real weight at our house). I have been slowly watching the .x go down and down. Definitely encouraging! I am still only losing about 1 pound per week, but at least not just keeping it off, but still losing. I'm sure I could lose more if I worked out and ate better.

However, this diet is all about being realistic. The reality is that I do not have the time to exercise or the weather that allows me to do my outdoor walking. I also don't have the money to buy healthy foods. Right now we are still living off of cheap freezer pizza, mac and cheese, and ramen...pretty much. Is it healthy? Nope. But necessary for now.

So I would have to call this week a success. Has it been perfect? No, far from it. But it has been as perfect as reality will allow. I'm still losing, still stopping when I'm full, and still refreshing myself with Scripture when I can. So I would give this week an:

8

An Encouraging Gift

I have had a wonderful, encouraging weekend! Just when I needed it most! My son is 9 months old and since I’ve been pregnant with him I have felt like I lost who I was as a woman. I felt like my body became a mommy body.

I have always been a well put together, fashionable person. I try hard to look nice and to frugally buy clothes that are up-to-date and unique.

Since getting pregnant I have sacrificed that part of me to be a mom. My body does not feel pretty. It has crazy stretch marks, bulges, and does not fit into any clothing. I will go out shopping and typically come back empty handed.

I also never (and I do mean never) have the time to shop. I do not have someone who can watch Roen while I go and I’ve learned from many tearful experiences that shopping with Roen is not an option. I have also been very poor. All of my money has gone to Roen. Even this last Christmas, I got money specifically for clothes. After several wasted shopping trips I spent the money on sheets instead out of frustration.

So I have been eking by on clothes that barely fit and are not attractive. I will be painfully honest and admit that one of my outfits is a swimming dress with a tank top under it. It looks kind of like a regular dress… Kind of. It is one of the few things that actually fit in my closet and looks halfway decent. I feel like one of the worst fashion disasters that deserves to be on TMC’s “What Not to Wear.”

This birthday I got $150 to make myself over with. I have not had that much cash all to myself in years!!! However, I was discouraged yesterday as I didn’t have time to shop and had no hope of finding anything even if I did. Than my husband sacrificially and yet excitedly asked me to go shopping with him.

Than another weird thing happened. I was dead set on shopping at consignment stores to get more for my money. I was just going to deal with second hand clothing that hopefully would just work. Than for some reason I just had this feeling that I had to shop at Maurices. It just popped into my head. So we went to Maurices, a clothing store that I love, but that is waaay expensive.

We got to the store and found out they had a good sale going on. However, I know how sale stuff goes. It’s typically only the yucky stuff that doesn’t look good on that’s left over. I went to the dressing room loaded down with regular items and a few sale items I figured I would try on just in case. None of the regular priced things worked and I got depressed.

Then I started on the sale items… Not only were they unusually good, but the 5 pounds I had lost finally made them work! In the end, I walked out of the stores with 3 new shirts, a gorgeous lace undershirt, capris, trousers, and a professional looking dress for $75! All gorgeous and well fitting!

I still have $75 to get a nice new haircut and pedicure. All together, I feel very put together and lovely for the first time in over a year! Such a blessing!

It was also very encouraging to me to keep losing weight and a blessing to feel pretty in the meantime.

I am also very encouraged that my appetite has dropped significantly. I am finally eating modest portions. I am still getting good nutrition, but now naturally stopping when I am full and not eating ridiculous, super-sized portions. Over-indulging just does not appeal to me. Even my birthday cake and ice cream, I only ate them to please my mother-in-law who made them for me. And I only ate a little. It is good to see that heart change (and stomach size change) really happening. This is going to happen!

One More Down!

I lost a pound!!! That just doesn't sound as exciting as it should. Nor does my weight loss ticker look encouraging. I've decided to change my diet start date. As my faithful readers know, I started messing around with this diet a few weeks before I started this blog. By the time I started writing, I had already lost 4 pounds and had hit that point where your body stops losing.

Since than, I have lost 1 pound!!! So really, I'm up to 5. Plus I would estimate 2-2.5 inches around the big places (Shame on me, I still haven't measured!). I decided to go ahead and change my weight ticker to the full total so it told the full story.

I'm still keeping on. Nothing exciting is happening. I am not winning huge battles. I still am not eating perfectly, just a little bit better than I was. I never win all of the battles, nor all of the ones I do completely.

I think that will come though. The important thing is that it has been over a month since I started playing with this idea and I am still keeping at it! I am not going to stop this quest for a healhier me. This is a lifestyle change. I just can't stop...I can't do that to my family.

I did see an encouraging article this week which of course I didn't put up and now can't find. It was about a woman who lost 100 lbs merely by making better choices and small goals. She only focused on 5 lbs at a time and did only what she honestly could. It is possible!

Up and Down

Besides busyness, I think dieting's next biggest enemy is lack of money. We have been extremely poor this month. It's one of those months where you choose which bills to pay and which to hold off until...someday. Sigh. As a result, we have been eating as cheaply as possible. Let's be honest, there is just nothing diet friendly about raman and frozen pizza.

My biggest success comes when I have lots of veggies as fillers. For instance, I'll have a main dish even of something as unhealthy as macaroni and cheese. But before I eat my mac, I eat a large serving of my favorite vegetable. Half-way through the mac I'm full. The food last longer, is higher quality, and I'm taking in fewer calories. However, when you can't afford veggies you end up with a side of carbs followed by a main dish of even unhealthier carbs!

As a result, I have seen my weight slowly creep back up. So discouraging! Out of necessity, I kind of gave up for a few days...ok week.

The last couple of days I finally decided to at least try to stop when I was full. I haven't been perfect, but apparently I'm making some progress. I got on the scale this morning and it looks like I've lost a pound or so! I will wait till tonight to decide if that is official. I've found that I'm exceptionally light in the mornings and bigger in the evenings. I tend to take the average of both and go by that. Or when I'm feeling defeated, I honestly take the heaviest weight.

This week in general:

4

Today after seeing my weight:

6

Big Fat Apathetic 4

Dieting is hard. It’s really only fun for the first day or so. I have hit the slump…big time! Busyness has kept me from writing this week. Self-pity for my busy weekend has cancelled out my conscience and accountability. I haven’t done my best this weekend. In fact, I’d give the last few days a big fat (pun intended and definitely descriptive)

4

I definitely lost more than I won. This is the time when I typically quit on my resolution. This is when you quietly disappear and hope no one remembers your brave words just a short time ago. This is when I come up with excuses.


However, this time is very different. For some reason, I have it settled in my heart that quitting is not an option. Not this month, this year, or any time in my life. I hope that sticks around. I hope I will keep on feeling determination even after a sad four of a weekend.


No, determination is not my problem. My problem is apathy. I have other things on my mind, other concerns and demands on my time that block out any desire to work at this. I don’t want to think about what the better choice would be. I don’t care about Scripture. I want to just forget my life while I eat, not think about my fullness level every bite. I know I need to keep taking this to the next level. I need to keep making better choices. Yet, right now I’m just doing the bare minimum to get by…and it’s hurting my progress. I have made no progress and in fact may have gained a pound this week.


I think it’s time to be done with the apathy. I honestly have no idea how to accomplish that. All I can do is pray to God for the strength and wisdom to not waste my time, but instead keep doing this WELL!


It’s Monday… Here’s to a better week!

Day Four

Today has been CRAZY! One of those days where you are scheduled to the gills. As a result, no Scripture and no exercise. Maybe I need to re-think my priorities as those are the last things I accomplish...?

I did do quite a bit of spiritual exercise though. I started out my insane day very, VERY stressed. I am working to choose not to let myself get stressed or mired down by a "bad" day. It was hard and took a lot of prayer and truth speaking to myself, but I did improve my attitude and let go of my stress as the day progressed. It ended wonderfully! I was very nervous about a new voice student (my last new student has been a disaster!). Oh yes, I teach voice lessons. She was amazing! Perfect age, perfect voice, perfect personality, perfect work-ability and she likes all the singers/songs that I like. Oh yeah! Good ending!

I did eat really well! Mostly because I didn't have time, but hey. I was able to turn down seconds of my favorite dish and only ate a tiny bit of my leftover amazing cheesecake, both without much of a thought. Hooray! This is starting to become habit! However, as I didn't intentionally win any battles today and left out the most important parts I still give this day a

6

Two Days in One!

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that right when I decide to start this big life change my world explodes! I am pretty sure I couldn't cram another meeting, activity, chore or breath into this week. I am about out of my mind with busyness. Thankfully, I'm not completely out of my mind yet (although my eye does twitch 5 beats per second). I have been doing a fairly good job at keeping my diet.

Exercise: Has not happened, but I have been cleaning and running around like a mad woman so...

Scripture: Ha. Definitely not happening. Time for myself? Not possible this week. Sigh.

Poundage: Haven't lost a single pound! However, I am keeping my pre-diet loss off so that's something. I went out to Cheesecake Factory with girlfriends to celebrate birthdays and had to dig through my closet to find something dressy. I was encouraged that several of my outfits are starting to fit again and the ones that still don't are at least getting closer. I may not have lost pounds, but my post-baby middle is shrinking! That was very encouraging.

Eating: I haven't eaten anything good this week between the Cheesecake Factory and being busy. I'm lucky to just be eating at this point. However, I have been really good with my portions! I haven't stuffed myself once and have successfully said no to bigger, second, or late night portions.

Day 2 & 3 Rating:

6

Waiting...waiting...waiting...GONE!

So much of dieting is focused around forbidding, getting rid of, never again. Do those words ever work for you? For me, that is kind of like creating a big red button I cannot help but push. Those words communicate despair, flagellation, defeat. Jesus was and will never be about those things.

I did something I rarely do today. I listened to sermons online. To be honest, the only reason I did was because the sermon series this summer is very pertinent to my weight struggle. I missed a few weeks and had a quiet convenient moment at work so... I am sooo glad I did!

My wonderful, godly pastor shared this Sunday about the warnings in the Bible against instant gratification. You can listen to his sermond here if you're interested: WAIT Management by Pastor Tom Hovestahl.

Two things struck me. First, often we think of dieting in the negative. Chocolate cake gives us love handles. We don't like love handles. Therefore, we decide that we cannot have chocolate cake EVER again! You know what happens on day 11 (for me day 2)? Cake for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner...snack. Give me someone who is successful with this diet mindset and I'll punch them in the nose!

The thing is, God gave us the ingredients and capabilities and tastebuds to enjoy that cake. The problem is not the cake, but the fact that we cannot eat it in moderation. We cannot wait for our weekly special treat. The good things God has given us are better waited for. After all, the wait is half the fun.

I notice this especially with music. There is often one special catchy song on the radio that I really must own. I cannot get enough of it! I am constantly flipping channels in an effort not to miss it. Finally, I buy that song. You know what I do? I listen to it over and over and over. The next thing I know, the magic is gone. The song is boring. It becomes that reject song on my ipod. The song I skip quickly past with a sigh on shuffle.

This is not just true for silly things like a pop song or cake. Lack of self-control can ruin the brightest gifts from God.

 Maybe I need to change my perspective. Instead of depriving myself, the truth is I am waiting. I am waiting till the right, God-appointed time to enjoy my cake when I can enjoy it in good conscience, wisely.

Bumps Happen

First big bump in the road happened before I officially started. I'll admit, I've been following my dieting principals for a couple of weeks while I get my blog up and running. I have lost a few pounds, but this is more of a trial run to get into the habit while I get ready for the big event. I was supposed to start the big event this weekend. And then...


BUMP!


My son got really sick. When you are just trying to survive a sick, not-sleeping infant, you really don't have time for yourself. I think it's only natural and realistic to expect your diet plan to pretty much go out the window when things like this happen.


Although, I must admit the plan didn't just not happen... A large rebellion was staged in my house against anything resembling dieting! There were several meals where I was upset over how sick my baby was and I chose to eat to fill that ache in my heart. I gorged myself...on purpose...in complete rebellion...several times.


Sigh. Oh well, back to the drawing board.


The thing is, a successful diet is not a perfect diet. It's a diet that keeps going after you make your mistakes. It's the diet that loses, but keeps trying to win. It's the diet you don't give up on. It's when you don't give up until you're winning more than you lose.


I am still recovering from a weekend of sickness, but very shortly I will get my weight loss statistics up and officially start.

The Plan

Dieting is a complicated process! Choosing to diet is a small part of the battle. The hard part comes when you try to decide on the method. There are a million and one diet programs out there. If you don’t choose the right diet, the odds of success get even lower. If you’re like me, you have trouble even starting your diet because you’re too busy researching how.

After many failed attempts using popular diet programs, I have yet to find one that works. The thing is, yes they all work if you follow every detail, but not every detail is reasonable for me. Often they're too big of a life change to successfully jump into cold turkey. So I’ve decided to take a more eclectic and holistic approach. Here’s what I need in a diet:

1.       The biggest reason I make the wrong choices with food is that I am trying to fill a need or desire in my heart with the joy of food or the fear of lack of food. Instead, I need to fill that with the only thing that will keep it full…God. I need to continually work at my relationship with Him. I need to daily seek His encouragement as this fight is too big for me alone. I need His help.  

2.       I need to be able to eat and not go hungry. I struggle with hypoglycemia so going hungry or not receiving enough calories makes me dizzy, confused, irritable and sick to my stomach. I need to be all there for my family, not a skinny mess.

3.       I need to limit my portions. Let’s face it, Americans eat a TON! We eat until we cannot eat any more stretching our stomachs to take in more and more. That’s me! I will be using the principals for eating within your caloric needs in the Weigh Down Diet using your body as a guide rather than some generic points system.

4.       I need to eat healthier options. Not only do I need to have a smaller body, I also need a healthier one. If I’m going to demand that my kids eat their fruits and veggies, I need to be prepared to do the same. I need to constantly be on the lookout for ways that I can make better choices.

Covered everything? I think so. The problem is, only superwoman can keep this diet. So I also need to be realistic. I refuse to set unbending rules for myself as I know there’s no way I’ll keep them. Instead, I’d like to set up goals. Every chance that I get to make a choice, I need to choose what is best according to the following goals for every day:

1.       Read Scripture every day. Not just read with a blank mind, but truly study and internalize what I am reading.

2.       Ask God daily for help and let Him be a part of the process.

3.       Eat only when I am truly hungry, not just peckish.

4.       Make sure to stop and eat when I am hungry so I do not splurge later out of desperation.

5.       Eat every meal slowly, savoring and enjoying.

6.       Stop eating the minute I become satisfied, not full.

7.       Choose good food.

8.       Be on top of my budget, menus, and grocery buying to insure that I have the food I need and the  money it takes to buy it.

9.       Exercise at least 4 days a week always working towards more.

I will do my best every day, every meal, every hungry thought to meet these goals. Being fat is a choice. Being unhealthy is a choice. I choose to start making the right choices.

The biggest part of this diet is that it is not just for a time period…this diet is for the rest of my life!

I will begin working towards these goals today. I do not expect to get it perfect at first or to even meet all of these goals, but this will be a lifestyle change, a process, a new beginning.

This journal will follow how I lost my weight, however if I ever do meet my weight loss goal it sure will not end there.