Failures Bringing Success?

I lost two pounds this week. I came down terribly sick and frankly did not have anyone getting me food, so I just didn't eat. Not the best way to lose weight, but I guess at least it worked. So far, I've had a long stint of keeping off the pounds, but not losing anymore. I guess I just need to keep getting sick. Last time I directed kid's choir at church I was sick every other week. Maybe I will look at that in a positive light as my weight loss plan...

So, I obviously haven't been on in a while and I obviously haven't been winning as I haven't lost any weight. I honestly haven't even been trying. The problem with a realistic, holistic diet is that is doesn't just include your diet. Your whole life is involved. I am finding out that the way I have my life set up is making it impossible to achieve my goals. The root problem is no longer the food, but rather the way I run my life.

I am slowly wrestling through these problems and hopefully will have more answers or at least clear posts soon. For today, all I have are big questions, possibly unanswerable questions. I don't know. But it's all I have.

- Is selfishness in proportion a bad thing or a good thing?
- Can you live your life well completely selfless (obviously Christ did, but can we?)
- What is my definition of selflessness. Can it possibly include being a doormat?
- At what point do you just give up.
- I let the people around me run me over constantly. How do I learn not to do that? What part of my response now is healthy boundaries and what part is spiteful, bitterness?
- How much longer can I do this? Is doing everything really the smartest idea? If not, how do I fix it?

And perhaps the saddest one in my mind, yet the one that got me thinking about all of the rest:
- Who takes care of me?

I am wishing today that I had somebody, anybody, who has been through this in their family. A counselor, a godly wife who serves too much, a woman who tries to be superwoman, someone.

The truth is that I am out of energy. I just can't do it. I spent yesterday in bed not really because I was sick, but rather because I couldn't face reality. If I can't handle life, how in the world can I handle a diet? And that is realistically and honestly where I'm at.

Positive Addendum to My Negativity Party

I ended the last post feeling like Wesley in the Pit of Despair. I feel like I'm failing and have no answers on how to stop. So I decided to go back and read some of my older posts to get my blood pumping a motivating beat.

I realized something. I am not a complete failure.

For someone who is a people pleaser and unrealistic goal setter, this is not a phrase I use often. Instead I adore beating myself over the head and shouting "Failure!"

Instead, I need to speak truth. Here are a list of things I have succeeded in these least dark weeks. Here's the truth:

1. I hardly ever eat to fill a need anymore. Eating to reward myself or fill a need is not even on my radar these days. When did that happen?!
2. I am much more concious of what I eat and if I could afford it I would choose to eat healthier foods. That is a change.
3. I am working at being more put together. I made myself spend money on me and bought some new clothes. I got a nice new haircut that is easier to care for and very trendy (loving it!). I dyed my hair a fun red to look more attractive and polished.
4. I was very, very tempted to quit these last few weeks. But I didn't. And I won't. That above everything else is a huge success!

Look at me go! :)

It Hit the Fan

All hell has broken loose at my house. I think it would be easier for me to say what I'm not doing these days. Oh wait, that would be eating healthy, reading Scripture, stopping when I'm full, and losing weight.

Most people would call this a fall off the wagon, but I refuse to think in those terms. You know what people do after they fall off the wagon? Give up and die. I just can't do that.

Does that mean that tomorrow I'm going to get back on my diet? Hee hee, that's funny. Probably not the next day either. But I'm holding out that maybe the next day things will be different.

And besides, being that this is a realistic and forever diet, I never actually went off of it. Just haven't had a successful diet experience these last couple of weeks. My diet is not dependent on my success, only my weight loss is.

So the big question is, how to get started. I have just a few obstacles to hurdle first. Namely the millions of things I do and problems in my life right now.

I'm a wife, mommy, admin assistant, nanny, voice teacher to 6 people, mommy, director of a 60+ children's choir, librarian, mommy, household accountant, household chef, mommy and oh yes household maid. I recently charted out my week and not counting mommying or family time, I work 53 hours a week bare minimum. Yikes!

Those are just the things I do. Obstacles? Well, we are dirt poor at the moment so I don't have the money to eat healthy food (still living off mac and cheese); due to crappy food, busy schedule and crazy hormones I am nothing short of bone tired all of the time; I don't have family here supporting me nor time with friends to gain that support.

Wah wah wah. There's my pity party for the week.

You know what all of these things are? Excuses. Oh yes, they are slightly legitimate and do have an effect on my diet, but the bottom line is I (me, myself, and I) am still failing.

As I have been failing in finding time to prep for this season's kid's choir which starts Sunday, (failure is a common theme lately) I have instead been grabbing onto some fantastic advice my mentor and worship director gave me. Just let go and let God. Overly used and sappy, I know. Yet, so very true! Especially in the ministry!

I think that's where I am right now. I just have too much on my plate and I'm failing at everything. I can't do it. I just can't do it!

Maybe my situation is a purposeful celestial reminder to me. Who knows. But I really am at a place right now where I cannot possibly get back on that wagon (so to speak).

So I'm letting God pry off my fingers... I'm letting Him help figure this all out... I'm surviving on the hope that He does...and SOON!

I Wish My Scale Were Broken.

I wish my scale wouldn't be so darn truthful!

I know it's been a while since I've been on here. We had a busy spell in our lives these last few weeks. I direct a large kid's choir at church and we are starting up our fall semester in about 10 days. That means lots of planning, panic attacks, memorizing, planning, scheduling, emailing, panic attacks, and yet more planning.

My job schedule is also shifting through a week of vacation for my babysitter (giving me a week of catch up which ended up being more busy than productive) and then a full job schedule shift starting next week. Oh and a trip to see my parents in a few weeks. Basically CRAZYNESS!!!!

So how has dieting gone? Well...pretty non-existant. I'm still trying to be concious, but losing most battles. Over the past week I have managed to gain and then lose 1.5 pounds putting me back to where I was at last post. Not exactly progress and still very discouraged over what I gained. Still in that mode where you look in the mirror and see your extra fat self, not the true reflection.

The thing is, this busyness is a reality in my life. Sure, I'll have down time, but this is pretty much going to be my life. I work four jobs, have a husband, do the majority of our housework, have a baby and plan on having more soon. My life is a constantly shifting schedule of busyness.

So rather than try to keep doing what I was doing through the changes, I think I need to start thinking about a way to mold my diet around my life. Again, this is a realistic diet. I need it to work in my busy reality. Right now, I don't have any answers. I'll just keep thinking and praying.

For now I'd give myself a

3

not so much because I'm succeeding, but at least I keep on trying. I'm not going to give up.

Fail!

I hate to decide the success of the week on one day, but I think this week it's really true.

I had a pretty successful week. I was watching my scale slowly count down towards the next pound. xxx.3, xxx.2, xxx.1, xxx.0...just a 10th of a point away from 7 pounds lost!

Then I got hit below the belt (see previous post). I had a bad night. On top of it, the reason I was upset was directly related to how I thought someone felt about my body and looks. What did I do? Oh, I splurged. Not terribly, but enough. I ate what I wanted and filled that hole right up! Not with sweets (I'm not that type of over eater) just with pizza and a second dinner of cereal. Lots of both.

Guess what happened? I gained almost a pound. Sigh. All of that progress and success gone in one night!

Out of pure anger over my hugely lost battle this weekend and letting myself get too caught up in what my scale thought of me, I am giving myself a big super fat

3

for the week. Let's hope this week is better!

Affirmation Feels Good...But It Sure Doesn't Last!

I have had some good successes lately. I am 6 pounds lighter, I felt pretty good the last time I was in a dressing room, I feel pretty for the first time in months, and I've been feeling like my friends and husband have noticed as well.

I've been on a loser's high. I feel like people view me differently. I feel more confident. I feel like some problems I have had in my marriage and life were getting fixed just by those little changes. In fact, I started believing that my small weight change and few extra clothes in my closet had solved a lot of my problems. Everything was wonderful and rosy again.

So it was a shock on many levels when the same old problems smacked me in the face last night. I knew that some issues in my life were not actually attributed to my weight gain. Yet, in that moment I realized I had started believing that terrible whisper in my head and thinking that since my body was changing, my life would follow suit.

I was putting my trust in weight loss to fix my problems.

The thing about a diet is that it really only fixes one problem...what the scale says. How many people have you seen get down to a model thin weight and still not be happy with themselves? What about the ones who were fat and dysfunctional that just become skinny and more dysfunctional?

I think this was a good reality check. Sure, feeling prettier is great! However, the scale isn't really what changed my looks. One pound is hardly visible. It was how I felt about myself.

I'd best not hinge how I feel about myself on my scale's judgement. I'd best not expect my marriage to be all new once I feel prettier. I'd best not trust in my self-discipline to sustain me through this process. I'd best not get caught up in how my body looks compared to the desired norm. I'd best not look to my loved ones for affirmation.

I think I'd better just trust God...period.

Keep On Keeping On!

Our scale gives the poundage to the first decimal. For instance 113.2 pounds (definitely not a real weight at our house). I have been slowly watching the .x go down and down. Definitely encouraging! I am still only losing about 1 pound per week, but at least not just keeping it off, but still losing. I'm sure I could lose more if I worked out and ate better.

However, this diet is all about being realistic. The reality is that I do not have the time to exercise or the weather that allows me to do my outdoor walking. I also don't have the money to buy healthy foods. Right now we are still living off of cheap freezer pizza, mac and cheese, and ramen...pretty much. Is it healthy? Nope. But necessary for now.

So I would have to call this week a success. Has it been perfect? No, far from it. But it has been as perfect as reality will allow. I'm still losing, still stopping when I'm full, and still refreshing myself with Scripture when I can. So I would give this week an:

8